The Pirates of Middle Earth
by Ryals-Shoal
Summary: *CH. 4 UP!* Ahoy! Welcome aboard mateys! This be a swashbuckling tale o’ adventure and insanity waiting to happen! The Fellowship have turned into Pirates? And Legolas is the only one sane!? What is the poor elf to do? *Yarr! Some A/L slashyness ahead!
1. Ahoy!

Author: This tale takes place at no particular point, since this story is pointless anyways…except for messin' with the mind of everyone's favorite blonde elf archer!

I do not own anything related to J.R. Tolkien's works.

I so do love pirates *__*

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"There is something amiss." Legolas stated, stopping in his tracks, his sharp eyes scanning over the lightly wooded hills.

The Fellowship paused. "I sense nothing." Gandalf replied after a short while.

Legolas shook his head. "Nay, I sense a foul wind approaching."

Merry and Pippin pointed at Gimli and snorted with laughter. Gimli growled in warning.

Gandalf ignored them. "I see nothing in my mind's eye Legolas."

"That wouldn't happen to be it, would it?" Pippin pointed to a distant cloud of smoke fast approaching towards their direction.

"Fool of a Took!" Gandalf cursed.

"What did I do?" Pippin shot back. "I only pointed it out!"

Aragorn swore. "It must be Sauramon's doing!"

"Down everyone!" Gandalf roared.

Everyone ducked as the cloud swooped down upon them. Legolas, in his haste to avoid the incoming smoke did something that was quite uncharacteristic of his elven kind: He slipped on a patch of slimy lichen and crashed headfirst into a tree. Then everything went dark.

***

Legolas opened his eyes and then quickly closed them again. The sun was shining in his eyes, and he had a tremendous headache to boot. He moaned and tried to rub the slight bump on his head--and found that he couldn't move.

His eyes flew opened in shock. "What the--" He saw that he was completely bound with rope, starting from his feet all the way up to his shoulders. Legolas struggled vainly against his bounds, and took in his surroundings. He was outside, the sun was shining brightly against a clear blue sky, and he was laying on a wooden floor. Thick poles stuck out in odd places, ropes and canvas laid in piles everywhere. 'A boat? I'm on a boat!" He thought wildly. It was not just a boat, it was a ship. 

Legolas felt queasy. How can this be? They were miles away from the nearest lake or ocean. Before he could ponder the matter any further, he heard footsteps, lots of footsteps approaching him.

A familiar face hovered above him, silhouetted by the bright sun.

"Gandalf?" Legolas squinted his eyes. "What the hell is going on? Why am I tied up!" He demanded angrily.

"Yarr! You's be keeping silent 'till yer told, stowaway!" He growled.

"Huh?" Legolas craned his neck to look at the rest of the group, and sputtered at what he saw. The entire Fellowship were completely decked out in foreign costumes, which mainly consisted of stripped shirts, bandannas, cutlasses and the occasional eye patch. 'Where the hell did they find those clothes?' Legolas thought, bemused. Then it hit him, they were dressed as pirates!

"Yarr!" Aragorn swaggered over, he was dressed in a dark blue ruffled overcoat and sported a medium sized pirate hat. He looked quite dashing, actually. "What shall we do with a stowaway mateys?"

Gimli waved his ax. "I's say we eat him!"

"Aye!" Pippin and Merry chorused, licking their lips. They both wore bright bandanas and loose fitting pirate clothing.

"Arr! Eating's too good for him!" Frodo growled, he was wearing similar clothing that Pippin and Merry wore, but was slightly fancier.

"Aye Aye!" Sam agreed gruffly, he too was in slightly fancier garb just like Frodo.

"Grr!" Gandalf stepped back, then Legolas could clearly see him. He was wearing a huge pirate hat, and sported an eye patch, a peg leg and a dead parrot glued to his shoulder. "Yarr! I's be the Captian! And the Captain says that this here stowaway shall walk the plank!"

"Aye! Walk the plank! Walk the plank!" The crew cried excitedly. 

Legolas felt his mouth go dry with fear. In all the long years that he had lived, he had yet to learn how to swim. "No!" He cried and struggled against his bounds, but only succeeded to wiggle around like a worm.

"Aye!" Gandalf prodded Legolas with his strap-on peg leg. "You'll be shark bait by sundown!"

Legolas had an image of himself flailing around in the open sea, his lovely blond hair becoming entangled with slimy green seaweed. He shrieked in terror.

"Eh now, what's this?" Gimli raised an eyebrow.

"That be a girly scream!" Merry cried.

"No it's not!" Legolas snapped, his face turning slightly red.

"Arr! He shows some spine!" Aragorn scratched his stubbled chin in thought. "What do you say, Captian?"

Gandalf looked at Legolas skeptically. "We can use another hand to sail this ship, all in favor?"

"Aye!" The crew chorused.

"All not in favor?"

"Nay!" Legolas cried.

"Then it is agreed!" Gandalf bent down and shook Legolas' one free finger. "Welcome aboard matey! I's be the Captain of this fine crew. Captain Graybeard is my name! Or is it Whitebeard…I haven't decided yet!"

Aragorn stepped up. "I's be 1st Mate Arrr-agorn! Yarr!" He pointed to Frodo and Sam. "And they's be 2nd Mate Frodo the Stinger, and 3rd Mate Samwise-The-Not-So-Very-Nice!"

"Arr!" They both growled.

"And I's be 5th Mate Gimli the Ugly!"

'At least the dwarf got that part right.' Legolas thought grimly.

"--And they's be 6th Mate Merry the Growler, and 7th Mate Pippin the Biter!" Gimli pointed to the two, who licked their lips hungrily at the elf.

"I wanted to be 1st Mate!" Boromir grumbled, appearing behind Pippin, Legolas did a double-take. Boromir was alive?

"Yarr! Stow it 8th Mate Boromir The Not-Quite-So-Dead-Yet! Now untie the elf!" Arrr-agorn ordered. 8th Mate Boromir pouted and complied.

Gandalf stroked his dead parrot affectionately. "And this be our 9th Mate and my fine-feathered friend…Pickle!"

Legolas stared at the badly stuffed green parrot, which was rotting in odd places. A glass eye popped off and hit him in the forehead.

"Aww! She takes a liking to yer!" Gandalf cried delightedly.

"It's a freakin' dead bird glued to your shoulder!!!" Legolas shrieked, not being able to take anymore of this insanity.

"Pay no attention to the crazy elf Pickle!" Gandalf pulled out a soda cracker and stuffed it into the bird's beak, the cracker crumbled and fell out of its mouth. "Arr! She be a fine 9th Mate! That she be, yarr!"

Legolas tried to ignore Gandalf, and rubbed the circulation back into his newly freed limbs.

"What shall he be, lads?" Gandalf cast his one un-patched eye on his crew. "Shall this girly-boy elf be our 10th Mate?"

"I'm not girly!" Legolas snapped.

"Yarr! I reckon he me P.M.S.ing!" Gimli remarked.

"Aye! He be not manly enough to be 10th Mate!" Arrr-agorn agreed, then a thought occurred to him. "Oi! I's know what we're missing! There be no cabin boy on this here vessel!"

'Oh sweet Mirkwood! Nooooo!' Legolas thought.

"Yarr! Than it is agreed!" Captain Graybeard/Whitebeard tipped his oversized Captain hat. "Welcome Aboard Matey! Our new Cabin Boy!"

"Hurrah!" The rest of the Fellowship Pirates cheered.

'I wished I had walked the plank.' Legolas thought miserably.

~~~~~~~~~

Yarr! What do you think? Shall I continue with this swashbuckling tale? Please Review!


	2. Yarrr!

Author: Yay! Reviews! I like reviews! *hugs reviewers* I post the next chapter! Enjoy!!!

Disclaimer: The usual stuff, and I borrowed the spell 'Bomb-Di-Wind' from the anime 'Slayers.'

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"Yarr! Ye not be swabing the decks good enough!" Gandalf, aka Graybeard/Whitebeard poked Legolas with his strap-on peg leg.

Legolas gritted his teeth and scrubbed the deck harder.

"Yarr! Ye missed a spot!" Arrr-agorn pointed to a spot behind the Cabin Boy.

'Can't they start a sentence without it beginning with 'yarr?' Legolas scowled in annoyance and turned to dip his rag into the soap bucket--and saw his wrinkly fingers.

"Eeee! My skin! I'm shriveling up!" Legolas shrieked.

"Aye, 'tis a hard life at sea Leg 'o Lot!" Gimli agreed.

Legolas threw the bucket and hit Gimli in the face. "LEGOLAS you stupid dwarf! LEG-O-LAS!"

Arrr-agorn lent a comforting hand to the over-stressed Cabin Boy's shoulder. "Easy lad! There be no room for quarrel on this here ship. 'Twas hard for me when I first came to the open seas, Yarr! And that be only this morning!"

"Can we still eat him?" Merry the Growler asked, both he and Pippin the Biter had their forks at the ready.

"Eeep!" Legolas shrank back and clung to Arrr-agorn.

'Nay! This one's not for eating!" Arrr-agorn told them.

"Aww, I wanted to comfort the Cabin Boy!" Boromir whined from the crow's nest above.

"We's don't care what ye wants 8th Mate. Arrr!" Graybeard/Whitebeard stuck his finger in his mouth and tested the wind with it. He grinned. "Arr, just right! Prepare to set sail!" He cried.

1st Mate Arrr-agorn turned to Legolas. 'I appoint ye to untie the ship from the docks!"

Legolas felt his stomach sink to his shoes. "B-but I can't swim!"

"Arr! There won't be any need to! I'll tie a rope 'round ye and let ye dangle over like a fish!"

"I'd rather not…" Legolas tried to run away, but where could he run away to on a ship? Arrr-agorn neatly tripped him and looped some rope around his middle.

"But I don't wanna!" Legolas cried and dug his nails into the deck.

"Yarr! There be no sissy members in MY crew!" Gandalf waved his staff menacingly. "Go get 'im hobbits!"

"Aye!" All the pirate hobbits chorused, and as a group grabbed the kicking and screaming Legolas and threw him overboard.

"AAHHHHHH" Legolas screamed, and then *PLOP!* He fell face-first into sticky mud. "Huh?" Legolas pulled himself up from the gooey earth, and looked around in shock.

They were not in the ocean, nor were they anywhere near any large bodies of water for that matter. In fact, they were still in the middle of the forest.

"What the--" Legolas then became enraged. "We're still in the forest you idiots!" He cried at the crew in the out-of-place pirate ship.

"Yarr! Ye be mistakin' cabin boy!" Gimli the Ugly pointed below. "We be sailing in deep waters below!"

Legolas followed the finger pointing to the small puddle under the ship, and he blinked. "It's a puddle…" He trailed. "How did this ship get here?" He asked uncertainly.

"Yarr! We built it while ye were snoozing!" 2nd Mate Frodo the Stinger growled. 

"Why did I even bother to ask!" Legolas grumbled to himself and untied the one rope anchoring the ship to a small tree, then was yanked back into the ship by Arrr-agorn.

"Ow! My nose!" Legolas cried as his face smacked against the ship.

"Yarr! You great land-lubber! I'll make you a worthy seadog yet!" Arrr-agorn growled as he pulled Legolas aboard.

"Now mateys…we set sail!" Captain Graybeard/Whitebeard raised his staff towards the sails. "BOMB-DI-WIND!!!" An incredible blast of wind shot from his staff into the sails, and the ship began to move with surprising speed.

Legolas was thrown off balance and fell back into Arrr-agorn. "Arr! Ye seems to likes tumbling into me!" Arrr-agorn growled suggestively.

Legolas suddenly felt seasick "Why me?" The miserable Cabin Boy complained.

***

They sailed non-stop for the rest of the day, when nightfall approached Captain Graybeard/Whitebeard finally decided to drop anchor.

"Arrr! We's forgot to make an anchor!" 1st Mate Arrr-agorn told his captain. Legolas felt like now was a good time for hiding.

"No we's haven't!" Gandalf grabbed Boromir who was trying unsuccessfully to slink away. "We's got 8th Mate Boromir to be our anchor!"

"I don't wanna be the anchor!" Boromir whined.

"Stow it 8th Mate!" Gandalf growled and handed Boromir the end of a rope, and pushed him overboard.

"Now then!" Gandalf turned to his crew, ignoring the sickening crunch when the 'anchor' hit the ground. "We's got some restin' to do! Then tomorrow…" His one un-patched eye glowed with anticipation. "We attack Rivendell!"

"Yarrr!!!" The Fellowship Pirates all cried with glee.

'Oh no! Not Rivendell!' Legolas thought with fear. 

"Arrr! Then let us get some sleep me buckos!" Captain Graybeard/Whitebeard replaced his huge pirate hat with that of a nightcap *decorated with little pirate skulls* he placed a tiny matching nightcap on the dead parrot 9th Mate Pickle's head. "Yarr! Good night ye scurvy dogs!" He swaggered off into his quarters.

"Arr! Goodnight Captain!" The crew replied, then went their separate ways for the night.

Legolas went to a pile of spare canvas and settled himself uncomfortably on it. Everyone else had a separate cabin except for the lowly Cabin Boy.

Arrr-agorn appeared out of nowhere. "Yarr! Ye can share quarters with me for the night!" 

"Yeeek!" Legolas fell backwards. "Don't scare me like that!" He snapped, then paused. "What did you say?"

"I's says ye can stay in my quarters for the night!" Arrr-agorn repeated, grabbing the Cabin Boy's hand and hoisting him up. "Ye can stay as long as ye likes!"

"Um, that's okay…" Legolas felt his cheeks turn slightly red. Why was he reacting like this?

Arrr-agorn shrugged, a little disappointed. "Suite yerself matey." He turned and left for his quarters.

Legolas watched him go, that dark blue ruffled overcoat did look quite dashing on his figure…Legolas mentally slapped himself. 'I must be going insane like the rest of them.' He thought as he nestled himself under the canvas for an uncomfortable night of sleep.

Little did they knew, a band of Sarumon's orcs were fast-approaching the sleeping pirate ship.

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What will happen next??? If you like this story, please Review! This story must be loved for me to continue it!!!


	3. All Hands On Deck!

Author: Yarr! Thanks for the cookies! *munches on them* Eeek! I forgot to name the ship! It is now called 'The Dirty Pickle,' 'cause Gandalf loves his Pickle!!

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Legolas was cranky.

He had a rude awakening when the stupid Gimli decided to sit his overly-large posterior on the 'comfy looking pile 'o canvas,' which Legolas had been sleeping under.

"Yarr! No foul Cabin Boy 'o mine is be a-slackin' on this here vessel…swab the decks!" 

Legolas blinked at Captain Graybeard/Whitebeard in disbelief. "I just scrubbed them yesterday!"

"Nay, 9th Mate Pickle here disagrees!" Captain Graybeard/Whitebeard petted the parrot corpse affectionately. "An' I take Pickle's word over a Cabin Boy's any day! Yarr!"

'I shall plot my revenge against the parrot!' Legolas thought evilly as he was forced to scrub the decks yet again without any breakfast. 'Why me?' Legolas sniffed. 'A Prince of Mirkwood reduced to a lowly janitor!' His fingers had become saturated in the soap water again. "Eeeee! I'll be scarred for life!" He shrieked and ran around in circles, screaming at the top of his lungs.

"There be cabin fever aboard this ship!" Frodo the Stinger observed the shrieking elf cooly, while smoking his pipe.

"Arr!" Samwise The-Not-So-Very-Nice agreed.

"This looks like a job for Hobbits!" 2nd Mate Frodo stood up and called over 6th Mate Merry and 7th Mate Pippin.

"Ho Aye! This be a case fer Hobbits to cure!" They agreed, then they all advanced on the barely-sane elf.

Legolas stopped when he noticed the stealthy Hobbits fast approaching him with determined looks on their faces. "Not again!" He cried as they all lurched and piled on top of him, a Hobbit on each limb.

"Yarr! This'll put hair on yer chest an' feet!" Frodo pulled out a large bottle 'o rum from his coat pocket.

Legolas blanched. "Hair on my chest and feet? Eww!" Legolas struggled vainly as Frodo shoved the open bottle into his mouth.

With no other choice, Legolas chugged down the entire bottle. Immediately, Legolas' vision blurred and his world burst into rainbows. His blue eyes misted over as the alcohol took effect. He hiccupped.

"That be the ticket!" Merry growled approvingly. The Hobbits released Legolas. 

"He'll be a good source 'o entertainment!" Frodo agreed as he watched the elf struggle to stand up.

"Yeeesh! I feel funny! *hic*" Legolas never was able to build up a resistance to alcohol and its effects. He swayed unsteadily and took in his surroundings. He spotted the Pirate Hobbits and burst out laughing.

"HA HA HA *hic* HA HA HA! You look funny! *hic*"

"Yarr! The rum be clogging his brain!" Pippin pulled out his ladle. "I's say this be a good time fer eatin' him!"

"Ho Aye!" Merry pulled out a spork and eyed the marinated elf.

"Nay!" Arrr-agorn boomed behind them.

"Aww! We's were only havin' a spot 'o fun 1st Mate!" Frodo pouted.

"Ooo! *hic* Aragorn!" Legolas stumbled and ungracefully fell on the 1st Mate, who caught him in his arms.

Legolas giggled and pulled the pirate hat off of Arrr-agorn's head and put it on. "Hee hee hee! *hic* Lookit me! I'm a pirate! Arr matey! *hic*"

"Arr! He be sloshed!" Arrr-agorn had caught a wiff of Legolas' bad breath. "It's to the stomach pump with ye!" He pulled the elf towards the named place, then Gandalf roared.

"All hands on deck! There be blighters fast approaching 'The Dirty Pickle!'" He cried and pointed towards the band of Urakai and orcs fast approaching the ship.

"They look good enough to eat!" Merry the Growler remarked, Pippin the Biter licked his chops in agreement.

"There be sharks to bite my limbs!" 8th Mate Boromir shrieked from below when he saw the sharp teeth on the orcs running towards him.

"Yarr! Ye be too sloshed to fight!" Arrr-agorn noted the intoxicated elf. "Ye be safe in the crow's nest!" Arrr-agorn shoved the elf up the mast.

"But I don't *hic* wanna!" Legolas whined and clung to the mast like a koala.

"C'mon me buckos! I'll skin yer alive!" Arrr-agorn brandished his sword menacingly as the Urakai and orcs clambered over into the ship.

"Yarr Pickle! 'Tis a fine day for decapitatin'!" Captain Graybead/Whitebeard cried gleefully as he hacked away at the orcs with his sword.

"Aye me beauties! Come taste me steel!" 5th Mate Gimli the Ugly swung his ax around happily. The Hobbits were having a jolly good time, especially Merry and Pippin who were clinging to the orcs like piranhas, chewing them alive.

"Gwaar!" An Urakai stuck his ugly mug in front of Legolas' face.

"Ahh!" Legolas punched the Urakai in the face, and fell off the mast onto Arrr-agorn.

"Shave my stubble! Ye be wantin' some 'o the action after all! " Arrr-agorn laughed and pulled the unsteady elf up. 

"Yarr! Here be my cannon!" Gandalf pointed his staff at the remaining group of orcs and Urakai. *KABOOOM!!!* The orcs and Urakai were blasted away into tiny bits all over the ship.

"Tis a good fight, but no booty to be had!" Gandalf sulked.

"Aye, but they taste mighty fine!" Merry exclaimed, gnawing on an orc knee.

"Ho aye! There will be a feast tonight!" Gimli agreed, he was covered in orc gore.

Legolas peered closely at a dead Urakai's armor, and blinked slowly at the white hand print he saw. "Isn't that Saruman's mark?" He asked slowly.

"Who now?" Captain Graybeard/Whitebeard asked.

"Saruman the *hic* White." Legolas slurred and wobbled unsteadily.

"Arr! Does he have a white beard?" Gandalf eyed the elf suspiciously with his one eye.

Legolas thought long and hard. "Yeees he does! *hic*"

"Then it is settled!" Gandalf turned to his crew, his eye a-gleaming. "There can be only ONE Captain Whitebeard to sail the seven seas!"

"I thought ye wanted to be Graybeard!" Frodo was puzzled.

"Yarr! I changed me mind! I be Captain Whitebeard from now on! Our plunderin' o' Rivendell can wait, we set sail to track down that scurvy dog Sarumon!"

"Yarr!" The Fellowship Pirates cheered.

"Hoist anchor!" Captain Whitebeard commanded.

"Aye Aye Cap'n!" Gimli and Arrr-agorn grunted and pulled up the mangled orc-bitten Boromir up to the decks. "Yarr! I reckon he be dead!" Gimli prodded Boromir with his boot.

"I'm not dead yet!" Boromir The-Not-Quite-So-Dead-Yet moaned, still clutching the rope end.

Legolas' foggy mind finally registered what Gandalf had said. "We're going to Isengard?!?!" He shrieked in a scared way, then passed out.

"Yarr! Now there be a fellow who can't hold his rum!" Arrr-agorn scooped up the unconscious elf. "It's to the stomach pump with ye! Hoo Aye!" He then dragged Legolas below decks.

~~~~~~~~~

Author: Yarr me buckos! There be traditional pirate hangover cures in the next chapter! Please R/R!


	4. Darr She Blows!

Author: I am sooooo sorry for the delay of updates! I have been putting all my time into school and 'Snape's Worst Day' up till now…but now here's chapter four!!!

I must confess, the last chapter 3 is a setup for this chapter! Poor poor Leggy! *evil laugh* He gets so abused in this chapter! 

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"Gluh…" Legolas had awoke with a pounding headache, and his world was spinning before his eyes. 

"Yarr! Ye be awoken!" A familiar voice 'yarred' loudly into his sensitive ear.

Legolas clamped his hands over his ears. "Aragorn?" Legolas whispered. "Where am I?"

"Ye be sleepin' on me bed, hoo yarr! Ye be harboring a tough stomach to pump!"

Legolas then noticed that his stomach felt unusually empty. "My stomach has been pumped?" He was not quite sure how to process that, and resolved to avoid thinking about it. "I require sustenance." He muttered to himself, and rubbed his growling belly. 

Legolas tried to stand up, but lost his balance on the softness of the mattress toppled back over into the bed…right over Aragorn!

"Yarr! Ye be a feisty one!" Arrr-agorn growled and pulled the elf closer, his musky scent filled the elf's nostrils. Legolas flushed when he felt the warmness of Aragorn's body pressed against his. "I uhh…gotta go now!" He pushed Aragorn away and rolled (ungracefully) out of the bed.

"What fer?" Arr-agorn shoved his dashing pirate hat back on his equally dashing head.

"To take a…bath! Yeah, a bath! Elves have to maintain their hygiene you know, heh heh heh…" Legolas made a hasty exit out the door.

"Arr! He be more girly than me own mother, that one is. Hoo Aye!"

***

"Uh, Captain Graybeard?" Legolas tapped Gandalf's unparroted shoulder uncertainly.

Gandalf swung around on his strap-on peg leg to eye Legolas with his unpatched eye. "Yarr! That's Cap'n WHITEbeard to you matey! Arr…"

"Sorry, Cap'n WHITEbeard. Is there a place where I can take a bath?"

"Arrr! Ye need at be talkin' pirate talk, yer part 'o me crew after all. Now say it again!"

"Um…" Legolas scratched his head. "Y-Yarr!" He paused uncertainly, his face screwed in concentrationd. "Can I…Yarr? Take a….Yarr! Scrubbing? Yarr! For it would be nice to ah…Yarr! Take a bath…Yarr?"

"YARR! Ye be usin' 'Yarr' too many times in yer speech matey, Yarr! Besides, we don't take no baths aboard this vessel, fresh water's hard to come by on the cruel open sea!"

Legolas pointed to a nearby lake (which they were not sailing on) "Is that not fresh water over there?"

"Nay, it be one of them mirages! Ye look parched Cabin Boy! Let me show ye to the water barrels!" Gandalf hobbled to the storage room below decks, Legolas followed wearily.

Captain Whitebeard pointed to the many barrels. "There be our water supply! This here lot is not fer bathin'! 'Tis too precious, besides one exception."

"Exeption?" Legolas asked while Gandalf pried one of the lids open on the barrels.

"Aye! There be one exception to the bathin' rules!" Gandalf tossed the lid aside.

Legolas peered over into the open barrel, and found moldy feathers and grime floating in the water. "Sweet Mirkwood! What foul things are in this water?" Legolas cried and pushed himself away from the putrid water. "You said that this is fresh!"

"Aye, it 'tis fresh! It's fresh enough fer Pickle ta bathe in!" Captain Whitebeard petted his dead parrot affectionately. "The bathin' helps her molt! An' it puts flavoring inta' the water!"

"Molt…" Legolas looked at Pickle, its beak fell off, rotting flesh still attached to it. "You've been bathing that…_THING_--" Legolas pointed to Pickle. "In _ALL _the water supplies?!?!" Legolas' voice had risen to an uncharacteristic screech. 

"Aye, 'tis true." Gandalf pulled Pickle off his shoulder. "Speakin' of which, it's time for yer daily bathin' Pickle!" Gandalf dunked the rotting parrot into the water, where multitudes of feathers, rotting flesh and dead mites fell off to float around in the defiled water. 

"That's disgusting!" Legolas cried, holding back his urge to retch. "I'm not drinking OR bathing in that!"

"Yarr! There be no yellow-bellied oysters in MY crew!" Gandalf shook the wet Pickle menacingly, drowned mites and fleas flew off in every direction. "I's be yer Captain, an' the Cap'in says ye shall take yer medicine!" Captain Whitebeard shoved Pickle back onto his shoulder, then stomped his staff in command. "Go get 'em Hobbits!"

As if by magic, the hobbits appeared from behind the many barrels, pouncing on Legolas before he had a chance to react.

"Eeep!" The elf struggled vainly, but he cannot contend with the might of the four fierce pirate hobbits. Gandalf pulled out a hearty sized tanker, and dipped it into the festering brew.

Legolas' eyes widened in terror. "I don't wanna diiieee!" He moaned piteously. "Stow the gab Cabin Boy!" Gandalf grunted and held the full tankard up to his nose, sniffing suspiciously. "This smells a bit strange at me, what do ye say, 9th Mate Pickle, is it fresh enough?" He held the tankard up to the dead parrot. Pickle's head fell off and plopped into the water.

"Yarr! She approves!" Captain Whitebeard grinned and shoved the Pickle stew into Legolas' face, the elf can only stare at the bobbing parrot head in repulsion, moldy feathers and a festering claw floated around the head as well. "I's say it's good enough ta drink!" Gandalf cried cheerfully.

This was Merry and Pippin's cue, together they bit into Legolas' leg, causing him to open his mouth to yelp in pain.

"Yarr! Down the hatch!" Gandalf cried and poured the entire pint--parrot head and all--down the poor elf's throat. Legolas' eyes widened as the taste of the concoction slid down his maw, then Pickle's head became lodged in his throat.

"Arr! I think he be a-choking Cap'in!" 2nd Mate Frodo commented as Legolas' struggled to breath.

"Yarr! He be a sissy not being able ta swallow a tankard 'o mere water! 'Tis a sad dark day it 'tis. Hoo aye!" Gandalf grumbled and hit Legolas in the back with his staff. With a hacking pop, Pickle's head shot out of Legolas' mouth like a cannonball. 

"Yarr! It's after our blood!" Pippin the Biter cried. Everyone ducked for cover as the parrot head ricocheted off barrels and walls like a super-fast rubber bouncy ball.

"Arr! I's be hearin' noise down here!" Arrr-agorn appeared in the room, just in time for Pickle's head to collide into his face. He was out like a lamp.

"Ohmygod!" Legolas cried and ran to Arr-agorn's still form. "Estel! Can you hear me? Estel!"

"He be far gone away matey!" Gandalf shook his head sadly and picked up Pickle's slightly bouncing head, then forcefully shoved it back on to the parrot's body. "'Tis a sad and dark day indeed! There be only one more day 'till we reach Isengard! And our 1st Mate is not seaworthy!" Gandalf eyed the four present Hobbits. "Who shall be responsible fer our 1st Mate?"

"The Cabin Boy!" They all chorused.

"Arr! That be right! 'Tis his fault fer aiming Pickle's deadly head towards our 1st Mate! He shall be the one to care fer his needs!"

The prospect of playing nursemaid to the horny Arr-agorn made Legolas feel a tightness in his stomach that he wasn't quite sure was fear, and he tried to reason with the insane crew. "But--but--" 

"No buts me bucko!" Gandalf pointed to Arrr-agorn's unconscious form. "Now take care 'o yer patient!"

'This could be bad…' Legolas thought to himself and began to haul up the heavy Arrr-agorn back to his room.

~~~~~~~~~

Now Legolas has to take care of Arrr-agorn? The Fellowship reach Isengard next! Shall I continue? Please R/R!


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